Category: Cancer

What to Do When You Can’t DO Anything

As many of you know, my brother-in-law, Leif, is currently battling a rare form of cancer called mantle cell lymphoma. He’s young, formidably strong and has one of the healthiest lifestyles of anyone I know. We went up to Maine to visit him last week.

Rain

It’s impossible to describe what it’s like to watch someone you love go through a terrible experience. As far too many of us already know, cancer treatment is not only brutal, but chronic; it just goes on and on. Coping with chronic is qualitatively different from coping with a crisis, like getting hit by a bus; getting hit by a bus has a narrative arc that you can move through. Getting cancer is like setting up house in the middle of a freeway.

Most of us, of course, want to be able to walk into a crisis and fix it. Feeling helpless in the face of suffering is thus one of the most difficult states of mind we endure. So what can we do about that? Here are a few suggestions.

•  Never underestimate the healing value of mundane service. Wash dishes, clean floors, do laundry, run errands, cook a healthy meal. These tasks are particularly helpful by virtue of the fact that they are infinitely renewable, and can be done without thinking too hard.

• Just be around. Send notes, send gifts, make phone calls. They’re appreciated.

• Don’t say, “If there’s anything I can do, give me a call!” Instead say, “Would it be helpful if I brought a meal, did laundry?” People under stress are often too overwhelmed to be proactive in asking for help. Use your common sense, double-check, and listen to the answers.

• Meditate. Here is Ken Wilber:

…Foremost among these practices is the one known as tonglen, which means “taking and sending.” The practice is as follows:

In meditation, picture or visualize someone you know and love who is going through much suffering–an illness, a loss, depression, pain, anxiety, fear. As you breathe in, imagine all of that person’s suffering–in the form of dark, black, smokelike, tarlike, thick, and heavy clouds–entering your nostrils and traveling down into your heart. Hold that suffering in your heart. Then, on the outbreath, take all of your peace, freedom, health, goodness, and virtue, and send it out to the person in the form of healing, liberating light. Imagine that they take it all in, and feel completely free, released, and happy. Do that for several breaths. Then imagine the town that person is in, and, on the inbreath, take in all of the suffering of that town, and send back all of your health and happiness to everyone in it. Then do that for the entire, state, then the entire country, the entire planet, the universe. You are taking in all the suffering of beings everywhere and sending them back health and happiness and virtue.

When people are first introduced to this practice, their reactions are usually strong, visceral, and negative. Mine were. Take that black tar into me? Are you kidding? What if I actually get sick? This is insane, dangerous! When Kalu first gave us these tonglen instructions, a woman stood up in the audience of about one hundred people and said what virtually everybody there was thinking:

“But what if I am doing this with someone who is really sick, and I start to get that sickness myself?”

Without hesitating Kalu said, “You should think, Oh good! It’s working!”

…

A strange thing begins to happen when one practices tonglen for any length of time. First of all, nobody actually gets sick. Rather, you find that you stop recoiling in the face of suffering, both yours and others’. You stop running from pain, and instead find that you can begin to transform it by simply being willing to take it into yourself and then release it. The real changes start to happen in you, by the simple willingness to get your ego-protecting tendencies out of the way.

–Ken Wilber, ‘Grace and Grit,’ 247-49

This doesn’t have to be a big dogmatic deal. You don’t have to let anyone know you’re doing it. It’s a practice that may help you to be more present, less anxious, and less visibly freaked out. Lots of us want to ‘be strong’ for our loved ones, but what does that mean? Stoicism? False cheer? Pretending nothing’s wrong?

Tonglen meditation can help you stop ‘doing’ and move into ‘being,’ which is where authentic connection lives.

When to See a Doctor

Know your anatomy!You wouldn’t think people would ever get their massage therapist confused with their M.D., would you? You’d be surprised.It’s touching and flattering, how often I am asked for my input on potentially serious medical conditions. Possibly this is due to the fact that 1) I see a lot of people in varying degrees of pain, uncertainty and confusion, 2) I ask probing questions, 3) listen to the answers, and 4) read continually. Finding news of effective treatments for the conditions that plague my clients is one of my joys. I learn as much from them as they learn from me.

However, it ought to be staggeringly obvious that I am not a doctor. Massage and bodywork can be excellentsupplemental treatments for all manner of ills, but they should never be a substitute for comprehensive medical attention. When you have a diagnosis, I’m happy to tailor your session to support your treatment plan, but I know my limits. Here are some of the symptoms that will cause me to refer you for a check-up before I’ll see you again.

  • You have areas of unexplained hypersensitivity, or severe numbness. Since I work on a lot of people, I’m familiar with the range of pain sensitivities in healthy people. If you’re flinching when I touch you lightly in a place that shouldn’t hurt, if you have no feeling in a major limb, or if you insist that I ‘go harder’ when I’m working deeply in an area which should be sensitive, I want you thoroughly checked by a neurologist.
  • You have severe constipation over a long period of time. I once had a client who wanted two-and-a-half hour sessions to address her chronic constipation, but who categorically refused to see a doctor about it. “What could a doctor do?” she asked me, seemingly rhetorically. “Check you for diverticular disease and colorectal cancer,” was my response. It would be irresponsible of me to continue treatment until these possibilities have been ruled out.
  • You have unexplained swelling or bloating in your extremities. “It will go away on its own,” is often what my clients report hearing from their doctors. But if the swelling has no obvious cause, I think you should be tested forheart, liver or kidney problems.
  • You have a suspicious-looking mole on your back. One minor service I provide for my clients is keeping an eye on areas of the body that they don’t normally see. Most people know to visit a dermatologist if they have anirregular mole that changes appearance; if you’ve got one on your back, I always ask if you’ve had it looked at.
  • You suddenly start having migraines. Many of my clients have suffered from migraines for years; they find that regular massage can reduce the frequency and severity of their episodes. But if you’ve never had a migraine before, you should see a doctor before getting a massage.

A doctor’s job is often to do triage in an emergency; my job, as I see it, is not to ‘fix’ a problem, but to facilitate healing over the long term. Massage is less like a drug and more like a tonic–it stimulates the immune system, the parasympathetic nervous system, the endocrine system and the musculoskeletal system to balance and repair themselves. The subtle connections among seemingly disparate systems and processes fascinate me. My clients never have to worry that they’ll bore me, telling me their aches, pains, worries, triumphs, or last night’s bizarre dream. But they also know that they can count on me for the occasional blast of common sense.